Underdog
by weeziewoo
Summary: Major AU from the end of Class A *Mild spoilers* James has a panic attack in his room at 3am, He didn't think Miami had screwed him up so badly, he still can't believe he shot someone. TW: Panic attack, mild self loathing, self harm mention.
1. Chapter 1

**Brief note, this is written in James' POV unless I specify otherwise. It's completely unrelated to Operation: Save James. It's a major AU from the end of Class A. Disclaimer, still a teenaged girl. Not Robert Muchamore. *le sigh***

I woke up with a scream for the third time this week. I shook my head and checked the clock that sat on my desk. It was three in the morning. I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. I never could, every time I was thrust back into Miami with a gun in my hand. The man in front of me had a sharp piece of vinyl stuck out of his hand.

The man lashes his hand out trying to grab the gun. The sharp piece of vinyl catches my arm and the man swings his other arm, his hand curled into a fist. I hear a person scream in the next room over. The man advances on me, my hands shake and my finger slowly curls around the trigger. I call out through the deafening silence.

"I'm sorry!" I call out before quickly pulling the trigger. The bullet was dead on target. I knew that I had alerted the other intruders that I was there. They came rushing in and I pulled a quick disappearing act. I dashed passed the intruders and into the kitchen. Two people were tied up on kitchen chairs. I cursed and picked up a kitchen knife. I untied them and the other living intruders came into the kitchen. I held out the knife in front of me. I inhale quickly.

"Listen, we don't mean any harm. I won't harm you if you all drop your weapons and call the police." I say calmly. A man pulls out his phone and the others put down their weapons.

"No funny business, otherwise one of you isn't going to leave without a knife sticking out of you." I say gesturing to the knife in my hand. One of the men called 911.

"Put it on loud speaker." I demand. The thug does as he's told and I speak softly to the operator.

-General POV/ third person-

"We need the police to ( **Add street address here ^u^** ) A group of men broke into the Miami home of Keith Moore. I've got the men under control but we need the police dispatched ASAP." James told the operator. On the other end the operator silently frowned at how young James sounded. Calm and collected, yet a young boy too old for his exterior. The operator took the details anyway and dispatched the police.

When the police arrived, they were shocked when the saw the fourteen-year-old boy staring down a load of thugs with a kitchen knife grasped tightly within his palm. When the thugs had been hand cuffed and the dead man was taken away James dropped the knife onto the kitchen table and sunk down to the floor…

-James' POV-

That's always when I wake up. After seeing the dead man's face for the last time, after sinking to the floor with my head rested in my hands. I can never sleep after seeing him again.

I never told anybody about the nightmares. I guessed people had figured it out after I came back from Miami. They'd all heard what had happened out there and had never seen me so sleep deprived before. Because it never used to happen, even after my mum died I never had nightmares.

I wish if my mum could see me now she'd still be proud of me. Her little soldier, fighting the bad guys. I doubt she would. The heroes of the stories don't get nightmares after killing someone. The hero of the story probably wouldn't kill anybody to begin with. I'll never be a hero- like the ones in movies. It's really depressing, being sat on the floor at three am, hyperventilating. I never wanted to kill anybody.

Scrap the thought about my mother- I know she'd never be proud of me, she was always more fond of Lauren. It didn't matter how many trials and tribulations she forced me to do, little Lauren was her favourite, forever and always. My breathing was becoming more rugged.

I didn't even know I was capable of having panic attacks, until I was laying on the floor gasping for breath, my heart beating so quick I thought it'd shatter my rib cage. I felt sick, nausea hitting me in waves. I curled in on myself to the point where I was as small as I could be.

I could see the man I shot, in front of me. He was stood, with a woman and two children.

 _He had a family._

That's all I could think; all I could see. One child turned to its mother and the man disappeared.

"Mummy, where's daddy?" The child asked. It wasn't real- it couldn't be real.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" I yelled. Tears streaming from my eyes.

 _It's not real! It can't be real!_

The child turned around again, the woman had a harsh glint in her eye.

"You killed my husband!" The woman hissed.

"You killed our daddy!" The two children cried.

"No- No! I'm sorry. Please, I was scared." I plead with the woman.

 _She isn't real! She can't be real!_

The woman swung her arm at me.

"Your killed my husband, you little Devil!" She shrieked.

"Please, stop." My breathing hitched, and I actually threw up.

"I didn't mean to! I promise." I gasped out, my words fragmented.

 _I need to calm down- this isn't real!_

One of the children lunges forward, I grab him. He wiggles and turns to face me a gun in his hand.

"For daddy!" The child yells. I panic and twist its head around. I hear its neck snap.

"YOU KILLED MY SON!" The woman screams.

"You killed my brother." The other child says slowly.

 _This isn't real, I didn't just kill a child._

 _He was younger than Lauren, I killed him and he was younger than Lauren._

"You killed my daddy and my brother." The other child says again slowly.

"My husband and my son, both dead and you to blame." The woman screeches.

I hear a series of taps, they're real. Coming from outside my door. Somebody heard me.

 _Shit._

It was Morse code. 'Are you okay'

 _Am I okay? I'm not sure._

I tap back, 'whos out there'

I wait, 'Its me Kyle' gets tapped back.

I reach for the lock and undo it. Kyle enters slowly. He looks at me and whistles before shutting the door behind him.

-Kyle's POV-

I heard someone making noise from a room down the hall, I check the time on my phone, it's three-thirty am. I can make out a voice, it calls 'I'm sorry I'm sorry.' I run out into the corridor. The noise is coming from James' room.

 _He hasn't been the same since he came back from Miami._

We all knew what happened in Miami, James shot somebody. He wasn't proud of himself. I knock on the door softly; I don't get a reply so I try Morse code. Now that got something and the door unlocks. James was sat sobbing; I didn't even want to know about the puddle of sick next to him.

"What happened?" I ask. I'm pretty sure I already know. I used to have panic attacks when I was a kid, it started after I came out to my mother as gay. She started abusing me and everything went downhill.

"Panic attack, Miami- the guy I- Oh my God- I can't believe I shot him Kyle." He choked out.

"I- He probably had a wife, and kids. I saw them." He sobs.

"It's not real. It wasn't real. It couldn't have been real." He hisses at himself.

"I- uh, saw the kids. One of them ran at me with a gun and I- I." He puts his head in his hands.

"It wasn't real, remember." I said calmly.

"I- snapped the kids neck, his other child and his wife- they saw." He cried. I'd never felt so helpless.

Someone knocked on the door.

"James? Are you okay? I saw Kyle leave his room, through the CCTV." A female voice said from the other side of the door. None other than Zara Asker.

Zara opens the door; I look at her than at James. I shrug.

"James, what happened?" She asks softly. Cringing at the puddle of sick.

"Panic attack, Miami, oh God." He sobs.

"I think he was hallucinating. He said he could see the man he shot, and his family. He ended snapping a child's neck." I add before rubbing James' back and whispering "It wasn't real you're okay."

"I'm sending you to a councillor tomorrow. No arguments, this isn't normal. You'll probably need sleeping tablets." Zara stated matter-of-factly.

"Kyle- go back to bed." Zara said softly. I nodded.

"Are you okay now?" I ask. He nods slowly. I was pretty sure I saw something on his wrist, I'll check tomorrow.

"Goodnight." I wave before leaving the room.

-James' POV-

"You need to go to bed." Zara said to me.

"Goodnight James, I'll get you a meeting with a councillor ASAP." She smiles.

"Don't worry about the sick, give me a sec." She disappears and comes in a minute later with some sort of powder stuff. She poured it over the sick.

"There, that'll stop it smelling, goodnight." She waves before exiting.

I haul myself up from the floor and lock the door- tomorrow was gonna be bad.


	2. Chapter 2

**Good day, guys, gals and non-binary pals. How goes it? Welcome to the second chapter of Underdog, which just happens to be a song by You Me At Six. I bounced around naming for a while, this was originally going to be called Feel Good Inc. As referenced in my other CHERUB fic. Well enough about that anyway, let's go:**

 **WARNING: This chapter has details of things like self-harm, abuse, suicidal thoughts and self-loathing. If any of this trigger you, please do NOT read any further.**

I've never been more afraid in my life, I was afraid of what happened early this morning, I'm afraid of what Kyle will think of me; he probably thinks I'm weak.

I don't want to see a councillor, they're far too calm. They don't understand really, they've never shot a man, they don't know what I've been through.

Kyle approached me in the dining hall, it was about seven am. We were both tired following the escapade early this morning.

"James, I need to speak to you. In private." He whispered. That was it, that was probably him wanting to tell me I was a wuss. To tell me he didn't want to be friends with me.

I nodded regardless, a sense of panic building somewhere within me. I left after that, I didn't even eat breakfast. I locked myself in my room and another layer on that, I went into the small en suite bathroom which I also locked.

I sat on the vinyl flooring with my head in my hands. This never used to happen- so why was I acting like this. Sure, the first few times that nightmare happened my immediate response was to slice up my arm like it was a fucking vegetable. I did that a few times after mum died, something I was sure I'd left with the surname Choke. My phone rang, it was in the pocket of my hoodie.

I answered the call, Kyle was on the other end. There was that panic again.

"James, unlock your door for Christ sakes I want to talk to you." He grumbled out.

"I-I. No." I replied, I wasn't sure what came over me.

"Jaaames-" Kyle started shakily. "If you're doing something stupid right now, I'll have to get Zara, she has a master key." He added.

"Go to your room and lock the door Kyle. We can talk over the phone." I said hoping he would.

"Fine, but as soon as we're done talking you are unlocking that door and I'm coming in." He said. I heard a door shut from his end of the call and the sound of a lock turning.

"James, I want to know if you're okay." He started.

"I- I'm fine. It won't happen again." I affirmed, my voice cracked somewhere.

"It's clear you aren't, I don't hate you. I assume that's why you were panicked?" he questioned.

"No." That was another voice crack.

"James, I used to get panic attacks all the time. After-" I heard him sigh.

"It doesn't matter, this is about you." He finished.

"I- Kyle. I just can't do it anymore." I choked out.

"Do what?" He asked me softly.

"Ya know, this. I can't be a good agent if I can't even kill somebody." I began to cry at some point during that sentence.

"I never told you- did I? I was a mistake, Kyle. I wish my mum had just, you know what never mind." I sobbed, my breathing picked up something fierce.

"Is that why you did it? I, uh saw your wrists last night." He stuttered.

"I used to, but when I came here everything seemed better, but after-" I hiccupped.

"After what happened, in Miami, I just couldn't take it anymore." I confessed.

"Please, James. You can't keep going on like this." He begged.

"We're done talking, now unlock your door and let me in." He added calmly.

~~FLASHBACK~~

My mum was passed out on the sofa; alcohol was obvious on her breath. My step-father looked at me.

"I heard you got in trouble at school today." He slurred, I braced myself. Waiting for a slap to hit.

"Oh how cute, little James has learnt to take a hit. How about I try something new." My step-father slurred before dragging me by the wrist away from the front room.

He tied my arm to something with some rope, that had seemed to nine-year-old me to have come from nowhere. The man who'd I often address by first name only, refusing to acknowledge him as family started punching me.

I tried to count the seconds to ignore the pain.

 _One minute._

 _Five minutes._

 _Ten._

 _Twenty._

 _Thirty._

 _An hour._

I passed out after that.

~~Back to the present~~

-Kyle's POV-

I hadn't hung up, but the other end went silent. All I could hear was my friend whimpering, his breathing rugged. I heard him mumbling- telling someone to stop.

 _Had I brought up a memory?_

I needed to get Zara.

"James, I'm going to get Zara. I'm taking my phone with me. Just stay on the line okay?" I said calmly.

I unlocked my door and sprinted down the hall, I didn't waste time flying down the stairs and dashing across campus. I crashed into the building where staff offices were. I found Zara's and didn't even bother knocking, I burst in.

"Kyle. What the hell?" Zara shot me a funny look.

"It's James. Come now, bring that master key." I panted.

"O-kay?" She said standing up from behind her desk and grabbing a key from one of the drawers. I held the phone back to my ear I could still hear him sobbing and hyperventilating on the other end.

"We don't have any time to waste." I hissed before taking off into a sprint. I'd never been more glad that Zara was wearing flats, as she could run after me with no trouble. We needed to help James, and fast. The hyperventilating noise on the other end continued. I hope to God James is okay.

 **I normally answer reviews at the bottom:**

 **Corrin: I'm glad you liked the first chapter, I hope you like this one as well.**

 **Guest: I had to look my emails to read this because it wasn't popping up in the review thing, I'm glad you liked the first chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Third chapter: ~~This is a flashback chapter~~**

 **Major trigger warning: self-harm, abuse, suicidal actions/ suicide attempt, alcohol abuse and all that nasty stuff, I have a lot on my mind. And I'm hella pissed. Whatever lets gooooooo.**

The day she died was not a good day. The news was broken to me in a harsh way, as Lauren's father basically beat the words into me. That was it, the last known relative. Dead. I'd always kept a knife under my bed, she'd always told me to be prepared after all. But I wasn't stabbing anybody else, just myself.

Over and over, line by line. More blood, more tears. I'm faintly aware that I throw up. More blood, a song with no beat, no melody. Another line, all I see is red. I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I tossed the knife back under my bed. Tears still falling, blood still dripping. I grabbed a towel from the floor and wiped my bloody arms.

I went to the bathroom, bandages. I needed bandages. We had no bandages.

Fuck.

I grabbed a bottle of sleeping pills.

I drifted out of the bathroom. The police had long since left taking her, her lifeless body. The kitchen the destination I wanted. Three bottles of vodka lined up uniformly on the kitchen counter.

I picked one up. Opened the lid. One sip, two, five, ten.

A bottle of sleeping pills washed down.

Three bottles of vodka all gone, if anyone asked what'd happened no one would know.

Dizzy, blood, a scream. Crash.

Someone's at my side now, a panicked voice. So familiar yet so far away.

Someone else is there now they smell sterile and clean. I felt myself lifted, up and away.

-Time skip- -one week later-

Everything hurt, but wherever I was laid was soft.

 _Was I dead?_

That when I heard it, a soft beeping coming from beside me. That denied my previous thoughts, it was an ECG machine, I guess I was alive after all. I cracked open my eyes, vicious light assaulted my vision.

I looked around slowly, now I wondered why the Hell was one of my arms handcuffed to the bed?

"Mr Choke?" A voice said from the doorway, I looked at the doctor that had been the one to speak then back at the handcuffs.

"Ah, that'd be a safety precaution, as you did attempt suicide."

 _Suicide?_

The word sounded bitter in my head. But I knew I'd done it, the knife, the pills, the alcohol. Yet I was still alive, why? Why was I still alive? I asked that question every day, with every passing hour. Why? Why was I still alive?

 ** _"_** ** _James?"_**

I was sent back to reality. Sitting on the bathroom floor, Kyle holding my hand. There were tears streaming down my face,

"Kyle." I whispered, he held my hand tighter, I pulled him into a hug.

"Kyle, please don't leave me. I don't want you to leave me." I cried into him.

"I won't, I promise. I won't leave you. Ever…"

 **I don't know how much I wrote but I just feel as if that ending there was a good place to stop this chapter as so much happened.**


End file.
